My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.