Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
You Might Also Like
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME