In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later