I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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How to woo a woman
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5