Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
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Social Media and Real life
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
🙄😏😂🤣
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves