83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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That’s not how days work.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
c’mon!
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?