there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.