Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
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My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
How wrong was this guy?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”