9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Generation gap…
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.