Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
There is wisdom there.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me