Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Golf would be better with landmines.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.