Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
New mindset, who dis?
excuse me
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Raisins are grape jerky.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.