oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
The glockness monster
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.