I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
From Facebook just now…
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.