Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
You Might Also Like
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.