Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
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Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full