When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
welp
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*