My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.