My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Generation gap…
I have many caverns
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube