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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.