Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want