Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here