unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
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She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.