MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My Plans 2020
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
The point of your 20s
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”