I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”