[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
You Might Also Like
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Just a phase…
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!