In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
*seductively eats two tums*
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no