the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir