*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
termite twitter scares me
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad