Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
what day is it?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*