The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Fiction has to make sense.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’