Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
You Might Also Like
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Practicing safe sax
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?