The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Not today
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Social Media and Real life
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell