Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.