If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails