Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?