signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
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“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.