I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she鈥檚 responding by screaming at him and I鈥檓 so glad I followed everyone鈥檚 advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don鈥檛 look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it鈥檚 old questionable tweets
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 馃槓
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I鈥檝e realized there鈥檚 more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I鈥檝e ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I鈥檓 starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?