The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
You Might Also Like
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.