[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop