Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
#inspiration #foodforthought
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.