I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
You Might Also Like
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I have questions??
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH