Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*serious situation*
My brain:
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again