“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.