I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?