A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges