[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]