I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.