just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
and this one
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster