It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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Heroic Misunderstanding
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.